Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. (Proverbs 4:23)

In my childhood, this verse was used to instruct us to avoid impure thoughts, dangerous beliefs, and worldly temptations. Allow those things into your heart, we were told, and we opened the gates to sinful actions. There’s something to that, I suppose, but with quite a few more years and slightly more wisdom on my side, I now think such teachings didn’t do the proverb justice.

The author could have written, “What is in your heart does not matter, it is your actions that count.” But they did not. They could have said, “It does not matter if your heart is wounded or poisoned, because your feelings should not control your actions.” But they did not. Instead, in a mere 13 words, Proverbs 4:23 legitimizes our very human need to protect our bodies, souls, and minds from those people, beliefs, and things that would cause us harm.

For survivors, this might mean breaking community with the person(s) who abused them, those who failed to stop the abuse, those who disbelieved them, and others whose action or inaction made them complicit in the trauma.  This can be an extraordinarily difficult and painful thing, particularly if it involves a family member or someone close to the family. A survivor might worry that cutting that person out will cause drama or scandal, or cause others to judge them rather than their abuser—and that is a reasonable fear.

If you are pastoring a survivor, ask them to think about what it means to keep their heart (or their soul) safe. What strengthens and what poisons it? What people, practices, and ideas do they need to cast out, what do they need to invite in and hold close? Listen and support them as they figure out how to order their own heart, so what lies inside can support the person they are becoming.